Monday, November 21, 2005

The Hair-Raising Adventures of Pancakes Dunst!

Midnight Clambake on Rich Boy Island
During the America's Cup races, Pancakes and crew are blown wildly off course to a remote island. But instead of teeming with noble natives or tacky tourists, the place is populated by wealthy young white men! What is the secret behind their late-night beer busts, their dismissive comments about world affairs, and their primitive wargames? Pancakes vows to learn the truth. If only she's in time to save the bookish boy the other swaggering heirs call Piggy!

Win a Dream Date with John Updike!
At the Norman Mailer Invitational, fighting young novelists meet to match their muscular prose against the toughest literary competitors in the world. Covering the event for the school paper, Pancakes Dunst falls in with a reporter from a glossy teen magazine. Soon she's barred from the event for helping to organize an unsanctioned swimsuit competition between some of the most gifted wordsmiths of the day. Yet when controversy breaks out over the authorship of a prize-winning novella, only Pancakes Dunst, the cleverest girl in the world, can cut through the Gordian knot. If only someone hadn’t stolen it from the trophy case!

Alright, Mr. Rajagopal, I’m Ready for My Closeup
Asked to appear in a new film by director Sanjay Anil Rajagopal, Pancakes travels to Nova Scotia to try her hand at acting. But soon emergency meetings on the General Agreement on Tariff and Trades have led to angry strikes by fishermen worldwide. While the shortage of smoked salmon at the catering tables creates panic on the set, an escalation in fish piracy threatens to destabilize global seafood markets. Pancakes Dunst likes a good shrimp cocktail as much as the next cleverest girl in the world, but what to do? Mediate a divisive trade issue to end the immediate crisis, or get her screentime while allowing the market to find its own economic balance? No matter what she chooses, one thing is clear: Craft services will continue to use that stringy imitation crab meat she hates.

Pancakes Dunst vs. the Sense of Detached Irony
Markets are plummeting! International tensions are rising! The environment hovers on the brink of disaster, political abuses run rampant, and all the summer movies are blatant vehicles for branding and merchandising! Yet the world’s population seems resigned to it all. Can Pancakes Dunst raise the level of discourse? Will the dark humor and exaggerated understatement finally cease? Might she divert global catastrophes by waking up the world’s leaders to the mess they’ve made? And what does it all matter—I mean, ultimately?