Twenty-seven Reasons It Will Simply Never Come About

1. It might set a bad precedent.

2. I am base and obvious in my desires and ambitions.

3. The world is a cruel place—all the more so when one is aware of that fact.

4. I cannot get the information I need without further upsetting the situation that I need the information in order to resolve.

5. Professional seers claim I am badly aspected and cannot escape my fate.

6. We do not learn lessons through wish fulfillment, and I am evidently being kept after class.

7. I leave little room for compromise, though compromise is the most obvious, efficient path.

8. Those involved do not know what they want to do, and they are seeking the guidance of one another as to how to proceed.

9. Karma.

10. What I am attempting to do is, in fact, impossible given our present understanding of the physical world.

11. Money, supplies, and enthusiasm are low.

12. It’s a bad plan, poorly conceived but brilliantly packaged.

13. Communications are down.

14. Despite all our talk about infrastructure, no one’s done a damn thing about it.

15. My definition of success is way more ambitious than I will ever realize.

16. The gods are angry.

17. We’re not on the same page.

18. Somebody planned the whole stupid thing for a holiday weekend, and they should have realized that everyone would be away.

19. She never got my letter.

20. A series of small, seemingly meaningless occurrences will steer things another way, perhaps revealing indirectly the intentions of an inscrutable higher intelligence.

21. They’re working with the wrong figures.

22. We’re still working out what the meaning of “is” is.

23. There’s a blood curse on the whole group owing to a foul deception perpetrated by our ancestors.

24. Sunspots.

25. Everyone will begin speaking different languages all of a sudden and will abandon the unfinished tower.

26. We forgot to account for the possibility of there being a centerless universe—random, arbitrary, and without mercy or pity.

27. Some people are born unlucky.

Popular Monsters and Their Primary Antisocial Characteristics

Frankenstein’s Monster: Unpredictable violence; undeveloped conversational skills

The Mummy: Slow, relentless mauling; poor hygiene; adherence to obscure, rigid religious beliefs

Zombies: Slow, relentless mauling; poor hygiene; clannishness

Dracula / vampires: Narcissistic charm punctuated by bloodletting; superiority complex; Eurocentricity

Werewolves: Tendencies toward primal behavior; lunar obsession; parasite infestations

Crazed robots/computers: Superior attitude; monotonous modes of expression; inability to compromise

Demonic manifestations: Absolutist thinking (reliance on “good vs. evil” paradigm); overt need to provoke through unpleasant appearance, behavior, smell, etc.

Ghosts: Inability to let go of the past; tendency toward shocking behavior, followed by flight

Poltergeists: Same as above, but with property damage; acting out; pathological fixation on the young

Gigantic monstrosities/swarming hordes/environmental threats of all kinds: Arrogant, finger-wagging reminders of our own fears of modernity; reductionism; knee-jerk mistrust of science and progress

Invaders from space: Xenophobia; delusions of grandeur; reliance on complicated means of asexual reproduction; occasional gunplay

The lone, indestructible killer: Sociopathy; low self-esteem; misuse of edged weapons, power tools, and farm implements

What They're Not Telling You

These average classes are for those of you with lesser abilities.

If we took any notice of you whatsoever, you’d be fired before the end of the day.

No matter how many times you revise the first sentence of your book, there’s no way you’ll live long enough to significantly improve the ten thousand that follow it.

In fact, yes, my new boyfriend is better than you. In so many ways.

You have no novel in you.

Even the most generous and undisciplined schools of art would burn that canvas.

The size of your salary is directly proportional to how much of your soul we own.

We love your sister more than we do you. Always have.

There is no farm in the country where we sent Buster to live. Your hamster did not escape while you were away at camp. Plus, there’s no such thing as doggie heaven.

Using you? I guess you’re right. I was just using you. Thanks.

Your incompetence sometimes takes my breath away.

You deserve a much bigger raise, but we’re betting you’ll stick it out for the pittance we actually gave you.

Your music is offensive enough to anger patrons at a cockfight.

You’re just lucky all the good employees keep resigning.

Your sense of fashion would embarrass the average lobotomy patient.

Based on this resume, I wouldn’t even hire you to pack fish.

We’re really looking to sell the house to a nice white family.

The grass actually is greener on the other side, but you’ll never have the courage to do anything about it.

As soon as you’re out of earshot, we immediately compare notes on your most recent acts of outrageous idiocy.

Yes, that dress does make you look fat.

Threatened by your intellect? Oh, that’s pretty far-fetched.

If your father and I had had better contraceptives, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

Your humor does little to mask your rage.