stereo jack's takes aim

(Stero Jack's, Mass Ave, Cambridge, MA)

central: the least square of the squares

(The Cantab Lounge, Central Square, Cambridge, MA)

the very essence of rock 'n' roll

(Boston, MA)

My Musical Resume by Debbie Naples

1963–present: bang various pots with wooden spoon

1964–1980: sing Broadway show tunes and Negro spirituals in family car

1966–1974: learn almost the entire musical score to My Fair Lady

1967: play kazoo, self-taught

1967:have kazoo confiscated due to complaints from Italian grandmother

1967–1969: perform with Our Lady of Peace school choir

1967–present: get in trouble several times for banging drums too hard in local music stores

1968: attempt but fail to whistle Andy Griffith Show song

1969: steal father’s harmonica, play it, break it

1969: sing in several variety shows with father (including Broadway hits “Okalahoma,” “Stop the World I Want to Get Off”)

1970–1973: perform with Lordship School Choir, sing two solos

1971: receive tin whistle from Irish grandmother

1971: lose tin whistle when Mother throws it out the window of family car

1972: enroll in flute lessons, 5th grade

1972: get dismissed from flute lessons when teacher realizes I can’t read music

1972: join 5th-grade recorder club without knowing how to read music

1973: acquire own harmonica

1974: learn to read music from Mother

1974–1976: sing soprano with Johnson Junior High school choir

1975 pass out on scaffolding while practicing with Johnson Junior High choir

1976: play with brother’s trumpet

1976: am forced to take free piano lessons at prep school while others play baseball outside

1976–1980: sing soprano with Lauralton Hall school choir

1978: abandon piano for swim team

1978: play and break sister’s clarinet

1980: sing with Fairfield University chorus 4 times, quit due to snobbish behavior of all involved

1980–1982: take guitar lessons

1980–1983: sing in car alone frequently

1982: guitar teacher dies, guitar lessons end

1985: discover significance of Brandenburg Concertos

1985: date man who has FCC license

1986: attend Run–DMC concert

1987: watch drag queen sing selections from La Boheme in F-train station, Greenwich Village

1990: purchase recorder at Costco, learn to play “The Jungle Book”

1994–2002: make repeated visits to Sam Ash Music, New Haven, Connecticut, to ask questions regarding conga drums

1994: learn lyrics to song “4 Wet Pigs”

1997: assist in rewrite of My Fair Lady to My Fair Roshi, spring Zen retreat

1997: perform in My Fair Roshi

1997: have recurring dreams about playing violin

1999: try to learn Italian with singing language tape, create reputation at office

2000: receive guitar for birthday

2000: play new guitar only in secret, mixing Bob Dylan and Elton John’s lyrics

2001: refuse to participate in karaoke e of any kind

2002: memorize a few of MC Solaar’s greatest hits in French

2003: acquire copy of Macintosh Garage Band musical editing software and accidentally call it “Garbage Can”

2003: write own music with free loops from software and force friends to listen

2003: acquire copy of SoundTrack editing software

2003: use SoundTrack to chop up parts of Broadway musical Hair and make new rap tunes

2006: program cell phone mix tracks for exclusive rings

(Debbie Naples is a dabbler in many things. She lives all over the place, but recently admitted to keeping house in Connecticut.)

clowns on mass. ave.

Stereo Jack's dug deep and came up with an inspired display of LPs featuring clowns on the covers. Guaranteed to inspire joy or fear, depending on your reaction to greasepainted, garishly dressed overactors with a penchant for tiny, tiny cars.

at the sound of the beep

I’m in love with the girl who records the upcoming events message at the Fox Theatre. I just called to find out if there’s really a Panderers’ reunion show coming up there, and I got to listen to her talking about all the bands coming up for the next few weeks. It was the best two-and-a-half-minute conversation I've had for a while. And I didn't even say anything.

Part of what I like is that she’s a little unsure of herself. A lot of times she mispronounces the band names, and then she laughs whenever she realizes she's doing it. I just heard her say the word “guru” three times in a row, and it has to be one of the most endearing things I've ever heard. Plus, I now have a new fondness for that word.

As if that’s not enough, she has the info on the shows. All I could ever need to know. Plus, she always sounds kind of apologetic about the shows that are 21 and up. Like, I'm really sorry you guys who're younger. It'll be a cool show, and if it were up to me, I'd let you in. See? She cares.

But then the message timed out. I never did get past the next month, so I still don't know what the deal is with the Panderers. But I don't blame her. It sounded to me like she was ready to read the whole bloody list, every single booking from now until Doomsday. But the recorder just couldn’t keep up. She's too much woman for it.

I wonder how I would go about tracking her down? Not really, but how would you ever find some random, wonderful voice like that? I could leave a message, I guess. That's how we'd always meet. I'd call the box office, and then she'd call me back in the middle of the day. Then I’d leave another message for her. Recording responding to recording.

We’d probably never meet in person. Maybe we'd arrange a time to get together for coffee. But by coincidence she’d be at the back of the coffeehouse dialing my number to let me know she'd just gotten there. And I'd arrive and look for her, but I wouldn't see anybody who looked like she was waiting for someone. Especially that girl back there who's ignoring the "no cell phones" sign and probably gabbing with her rock-star boyfriend, I'd think.

I'd go outside to call. Since she'd be on the phone, though, I'd go straight to voicemail, as would she. A freak of bad timing, but that's how star-crossed we'd be. In the end, we’d both give up in disgust and go meet people in the real world. There’s our whole relationship right there. I could show you pictures if we’d ever taken any.